Tough love, mother.

It's not part of my plan to be stuck in this mess.

I have a mother who's really bad in showing her love for her children.

A boyfriend who's attention's far from unconditional.

Friends who've basically gave up on me because of how distant I've become due to many things.

I really just wanted a normal life.

But since College kicked in, it's almost like it's impossible to attain.

Life was so simple back in pre-school.

I mean yea, I basically spent my whole childhood thinking I was a guy

but I don't think that matters any less.

My boyfriend found out about this secret blog of mine.

Been six months since the whole devastating incident happened to us.

God, I really don't wanna go back there. I really don't.

Who knew I turn into this complete insensitive monster when I'm hurt and angry.

It's scary to even just look myself in the mirror.

Anyway, for all it's worth. I think life's been somehow good to me since graduation.

I graduated with a good GPA (mind you, I scored my highest out of my three years in College).

I got into a good school for my Bachelors. It's awesome.

I guess in times like this, I just wish I could enjoy the many things to be happy about.

Instead of being stuck here at home handling a dog that would never stop barking.

Yup, here he goes again.

Stop it, you fucking dog.

I've lost my pillar of strength

When nothing's changed and all hope's gone, you notice the real people around you.

Those who would truthfully stick with you through good and bad.

At your lowest, you start to realize that not everybody do what they say.

All those, "I am always here if you need me" shit?

Nah, those words aren't real unless someone's true to you.

Right now I'm lying beside the one I love.

The man I would want to marry someday.

I never thought I'd be attached to someone so much until I believed about "forever".

Growing up in my teens, I always told myself I'd never fall into this.

I wanted to have fun, enjoy youth while I can.

But now...all I can think about is making him happy.

Even when it hurts so.

One day, I hope he realizes this.

One day, if we ever don't turn up together, I hope he learns from this.

And one day, I hope he treats his girl right.

Because no girl deserves to be treated like how I am now.

Cheated twice.

Neglected.

Disrespected.

Forgotten...

I wish I could tell you this.

When we started dating, you knew I was afraid.

Afraid that I'd get hurt again, just as much as how every other guy did to me.

We dated for almost three months, because I wanted to make sure you're different.

That you'd treat me right.

But look at us now...

Only a few weeks after we got together, I found out about Faisyah.

But what other option did I have left, but to stay?

You and Faisyah happened when we were only dating, so you weren't entitled to anyone.

It hurt me, it really did.

But I gave you another chance, hoping that it'd never happen to us again.

Then, Freshmen Orientation happened.

You became very busy with numerous camps that you've started neglecting me.

A simple text or a phonecall didn't appear in my phone for days.

Worse, sometimes it stretched for a whole week.

The whole drama happened between me and my mom, and you weren't even there for me.

Rather, you chose to be somewhere else.

You even wanted to break up with me than to face our problems together.

It was a dark period of time for me, that I've never felt so alone.

You made me feel so horrible about myself for more than two months.

Eventually, you just stopped trying to please me and I gave up hoping.

Then, June holidays happened.

I went for a three-weeks vacation overseas, which meant I had to leave you here alone.

Considering everything that happened, I managed to built back my trust in you.

We exchanged messages via online, and I continually felt connected with you despite the distance.

Until Syafiq's chalet, and something had to happen between you and my bestfriend.

I may have not known Freida for long, but I grew to love and trust her for that short period of time.

Not to mention, she was also your childhood bestfriend for 10 years.

Imagine how heartbroken I was to find out that you two made out while I was gone...

Moreover, hugging each other to sleep without showing any respect infront of my friends.

It was a huge slap in my face.

It hurt me more than it hurt anybody in that chalet.

But yknow what, I stayed with you anyway.

I figured that I loved you too much to let you go...

And that maybe, just maybe, you'll realize that and finally take that second look at yourself.

Look at us now...

It's been 2 months and I could only feel that I'm losing you.

We barely meet in a week, sometimes we don't even meet at all.

You don't call or text me anymore, as if I've done something wrong to you to deserve this.

For the past 12 months, all I did was to take care of you.

To make sure that you're at the peak of your happiness.

Even if it meant sacrificing my own...

I've lost so much faith in this relationship, that it'd take a miracle to fix it all back.

Atleast I can say to myself that since Day 1, I've been who I am to you and everybody else.

But I can't honestly say that you've been too.

You've lied about so many things, that for 5 months I thought I knew who you were.

Until you broke down at Selynna's chalet and told me everything there is I needed to know.

But did I go anywhere? No.

Heck, even after Selynna kicked you,

Fick slapped you,

Freida beat you up,

Imah cried and pointed fingers at you,

I was just right there, calmly holding your hand telling you everything'll be alright.

Congratulations, you won.

I feel very much pathetic now.

Tried and Tired.

When I can't keep my emotions in place...


I always thought things would be easy growing up.
As a little kid, I wished to get older by the months not by the years.
Now that I'm turning 20 in 3 days,
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING.

When times are tough for me, I don't let others get affected by my problems.
I try to keep myself away when I'm at my worst, or divert conversations to somebody else's.
That's why I know I'm not the best companion.
But when my friends need me, I'm there.
When my boyfriend needs me, I'm there.
When my family needs me, I'm there.
When I need myself? I can't seem to find myself anywhere.

Along the way, I just stopped thinking about 'me'.
Thinking that maybe, just maybe, someone else would do that job for me.
To be honest, my life isn't as easy as some people may think.
Every relationship I have now, with anyone, is standing on a thin thread.
I make way for people to be angry at me.
I make way for people to hurt, betray and totally forget about me.
But even when they've done me wrong, I can't help but be hopeful and patient that things would be better.

I know I've had my fair share of mistakes in life.
I guess this is how life chooses to get back at me.
Just take away every bit of happiness I have left...